Jesus took the Apostles on a boat trip. Which was a lot of work.
First they had to get on the boat. Jude got lost on the way, and Jesus left the others to find him. While he was gone, James and John got in a fight over who would sit in the front of the boat. Jesus returned with Jude in tow, and Jesus told James and John that there was room in the front for the both of them. Jesus’ fairness made them visibly unhappy.
Everybody got one snack for the ride, and one last chance to go to the bathroom. Jesus reminded them that they couldn’t go to the bathroom in the boat, so they better go now. Seriously. He stared at Andrew, who insisted he had already gone.
Simon Peter begged Jesus to drive the boat. He had the map, he argued, and would do a really great job. It was high time Jesus trusted him anyway: he was the oldest, and he deserved more responsibility. He was totally mature.
Jesus reluctantly agreed.
Thomas doubted his decision.
They started to get on the boat. Andrew complained he had to go to the bathroom. They waited ten minutes so Andrew could go; Jude almost wandered away again in the meantime. Andrew came back. Then Philip announced he had to go.
Once Philip went to the bathroom, Jesus asked the Apostles one last time if anybody had to go to the bathroom before they got on the boat. They shook their heads. Bartholomew asked for a snack. Jesus said those were for on the boat. Bartholomew asked if he could have Matthew’s snack instead. Jesus said No.
Finally, they all got on the boat and headed out. Peter drove. Jesus laid down in the back to take a nap because he was already exhausted.
The second he closed his eyes, everything went wrong.
Simon Peter, who was driving, had forgotten the map. They quickly strayed into a storm. Intent on proving his maturity, Simon Peter refused to stop to ask for directions. They became more lost and the storm worsened.
Meanwhile, Bartholomew had eaten Matthew’s snack just like Jesus had told him not to. Matthew complained. Bartholomew told him that he deserved it anyway, because Matthew had taken Bartholomew’s piggy bank last week. Matthew answered by screaming.
Thomas got boat sick.
They now did not have enough snacks for everyone. Philip reminded them that last time this happened, all they had to do was pass the food around and share. But nobody wanted to share, and Thomas was moaning on the floor, and Matthew was still screaming.
James did not like Bartholomew staring at him, Andrew had to go to the bathroom again, and Philip hit Jude. Simon Peter continued to drive in confused circles, which only made Thomas sicker. Jude hit Philip. Andrew REALLY had to go the bathroom. John, the youngest, grew tired of being in the boat and began to cry.
And Matthew continued screaming – high-pitched, reasonless, loud.
The storm was nothing compared to the Apostles.
Jesus woke up to see his Apostles lost, crying, sick, screaming, hungry, bruised, and in desperate need of the bathroom.
“Peter,” Jesus asked, “where are you going?”
Peter had no idea, so he asked Jesus where he was going. Jesus told him that didn’t make sense. Peter told Jesus that he didn’t make sense. Jesus asked him if he had forgotten the map. Peter asked Jesus if he had forgotten the map.
Jesus sighed and asked the Apostles why they were so afraid. Thomas and James blamed Peter. John, sniffling, asked Jesus where his mom was. She was nicer.
Matthew screamed louder.
So Jesus stood up and told the storm to be quiet. And it was. He turned around to the Apostles, and told them to be quiet. And they were. That was the real miracle.
Jesus drove home.