- Eric – Nickname: “Lizardman.” It is claimed he is descended from lizards, though he denies it. He also happens to look nothing like a lizard. Eric is our fearless leader in all things except for when everyone ignores him. He’s creative, which is important to this story, and he hates his nickname, which is not important to this story.
- Brian – Nickname: “The Hammer of Hurt.” He builds things, with hammers. And hurts things, with hammers. He is also part giant.
- Nathan – Nickname: “Conan.” Descended from the ancient Barbarian tribes of Minnesota, Nathan had his tongue cut out when he complained to his father that he wanted to learn to read. Barbarians don’t read. This one can read, but can’t speak.
- Erin – Nickname: “Squiggles.” The source of many graffiti-portraits of kittens all across town. Key instigator in the attempt to paint Eric’s garage. Her worrisome attachment to kittens is complicated by a worrisome penchant for stealing. She has shoplifted kittens.
- Kirsten – Nickname: “The Blade.” Loves to smile, and loves knives. If you’ve ever seen a smiling person holding a knife, you know fear.
- Darin – Nickname: “Darin.” Part man, part ninja. Great speculation as to which part is which. We’re thinking the left side is one, and the right is the other. But he never fights with himself so we can’t know for sure. He’s also very eco-conscious.
- Anne (me) – Nickname: “Spider Monkey.” I’m named that way because my fighting method involves a lot of cheating and climbing on things. Which also happens to be my poker strategy. Also, I unhelpfully suggest a fistfight as the solution to everything.