We are the Legion of Doom. We do evil things together, so as to terrorize humanity and one day rule it with an iron fist. And today, today is Pirate Day.
(If you forget who we are, here is a list of everyone who is currently a secret member of our secret society.)
Pirate Day is a tri-yearly activity of ours where we pretend to be pirates so that we can learn how to find treasure, betray one another, and flee the authorities only to find a watery grave. We also whittle our own wooden legs, trade creative swear words, and invent complicated backstories about ourselves.
We did not share with Lizardman, our leader, that today was Pirate Day. He wanted us to clean the gutters of his house because we had tried to see if silly string and rocks can fit down a gutter pipe. (They cannot.) But today was Pirate Day, so we decided that tomorrow could be Gutter Day.
Lizardman walked up to us in his backyard, annoyed.
“Are you crazies going to clean my roof?”
“Ahoy, landlubber!” Squiggles shouted, jumping up onto a picnic table. “We do not know what a roof is because our only roof is the stars over our heads on the open sea!”
Lizardman frowned. “What?”
“We are pirates!”
“ARGH!” we all shouted together. Lizardman was not exactly impressed. We ignored him and continued putting on our costumes.
Lizardman walked up to me. “You have two hooks for hands?”
“Yeah, it’s awesomer that way,” I said. I clinked my hook-hands together. “And I’ve got two swords!” I tried to hold my swashbuckling swords, but they slipped through the hooks.
Lizardman sighed. “You didn’t think that one through, did you?”
The Hammer and Conan busied themselves with nailing a bunch of wood to one of Lizardman’s picnic tables so that they could make an accurate replica of a 17th-century pirate ship.
Meanwhile, the Blade and Darin bickered over whether or not ninjas could be involved in Pirate Day. Darin was a bit insulted because he is half-ninja and all.
“I didn’t make up the rules, Darin. Ninjas and pirates are blood rivals. They must kill each other on sight. Which reminds me: you might want to leave once we’re in our costumes, because we’re going to have to kill you.”
“That sounds completely made up.”
“It’s historical fact. And a future fact is your death if you don’t go away.”
“But I’m only half-ninja.”
“Well, half of you is gonna die once I’m finished putting on my giant gold loopy earrings.”
“Try to love the other half.”
“That won’t save you.”
Squiggles helped me duct tape my swords to my hook-hands. We watched as Conan and the Hammer debated whether or not to add bilge keels to a ship whose only natural threats were dandelions and angry letters from the Neighborhood Watch.
“I am going to name our ship the S.S. Kittens,” Squiggles said.
“And I will also be captain again.” She glared at me. “Got any problems with that, Ms. Hooks-and-Swords?”
“Nope. I remember when Conan was our captain.”
Squiggles shook her head. “Not the smartest move, having a man who can’t speak as our captain.”
“Who would’ve thought you could sink a picnic table in the middle of a backyard?”
While we reflected on this, the Hammer became incensed with Darin for trying to steal his pirate hat. “No matter what you do, Darin, you will not be able to conceal your ninja-ness! Now run away before the Blade finishes with her giant gold loopy earrings. She’s going to kill half of you.” He tilted his pirate hat on his head. “Besides, only I look badass in this.”
Lizardman crossed his arms. “I’m still waiting for the silly string and rocks to get out of my gutters.”
We all pretended not to hear him, even Darin, who has ninja-hearing and is going to die soon if he doesn’t leave because pirates hate ninjas.
Squiggles sat on the grass and watched as Conan and the Hammer taped a drawing of a cannon onto our awesome fake picnic table pirate ship. She looked at me. “What is your backstory this time?”
I thought about it. “Uh… I once had a very promising career in the Royal Navy, but, uh, I was betrayed by my second-in-command. Who, er, cursed me and my one true love. Now I am doomed for all eternity to travel the seas on my ghost ship and my one true love can never see me again.”
“Who’s your one true love?”
“Um… Some guy. Uhhh…who wears funny-looking glasses.”
“Your one true love is Elton John?”
“What? Absolutely not.”
“Mine is Captain Jack Sparrow.”
“Can I have Jack Sparrow?”
“No, he’s mine. You’re stuck with Elton John.”
“I am not!”
“I also have a pet kitten who sits on my shoulder and meows what I say.”
“That is weird.”
“So is Elton John.”
Conan and the Hammer finally finished with the ship, and we all finished with our costumes. My nose started itching, but I couldn’t itch it because I had hooks for hands and swords duct-taped to my hook-hands. The Blade started chasing Darin with a sword until he locked himself in Lizardman’s garage.
We all hopped up onto the picnic table pirate ship and pretended to sail it across the high seas. We bobbed up and down as if we were on water. In fact, we bobbed so realistically that the Blade started to feel a little seasick.
“Oh, I do not feel good.”
The Hammer checked the handbook on piracy that we had written in crayon. “Pirates do not have or need dramamine.”
Squiggles looked through a cardboard tube that we pretended was a lookout glass. “Thirty-three degrees North, eight knots.”
“Is that a real command?”
“I don’t know. Lean left.”
We all leaned left. My nose itched really bad.
Lizardman watched us skeptically. “You’re idiots.”
“What is that noise, captain?” the Hammer asked Squiggles. “It sounds like someone has called us idiots!”
“It must be a mermaid attempting to lure us to death with her song. Ignore her!”
“God, my nose itches.”
In the meantime, Darin had emerged out of his hiding place. The Blade jumped to her feet and raised her pirate sword. “A ninja!”
We all leaned to the right to turn our ship in Darin’s direction. In fact we were not moving or turning at all, and all Darin had to do was stand there and watch us.
“We will have him soon!” Squiggles shouted.
“It is amazing how he can float over water!” the Hammer added.
“He’s standing on grass,” Lizardman groused.
Darin stared as we bobbed around our fake ship and waved our swords at him angrily. We fired one of our cannons at him.
“OW! Pirates did not have Nerf guns!”
“ARGH!” We said, swinging our swords (and Nerf guns).
Unfortunately for me, I was so excited about killing a ninja that I forgot about my hook-and-sword-hands. I scratched my nose.
“That was a great pirate yell,” Squiggles said.
“NO IT WASN’T! MY FACE!!!!”
“Oooh, that’s a lot of blood. Elton John will never love you now.”