It is too much, Father. It is much too much. Surely You know.
God, my Father. Surely You know. How everything is too much: too much to do and say; done and left undone; said and left unsaid. Too much. Too many. Regrets and cares and perplexities. Surely You know, Father. How it is too much. Surely, my Father – our Father. In Heaven.
I cannot seem to explain. I never have the words. Only empty hands to hide brimming eyes. And surely You see – as I cover my eyes – how it is too much. I do not know how to express my own need.
Need for what?
Name it, and I need it.
Hope, clarity, comfort – courage. Courage! How I need a simple ounce of bravery! An ounce to open my eyes and see. To open my mouth and speak. To confess my terrible need.
Surely you know, Father. Heavenly Father. Hallowed Father.
I fear often that my small heart would disintegrate with a thimble of courage, shrink away in some final and irretrievable fashion. The medicine itself is too much for the sick patient. My heart would burst. One drop and I, sickly and afraid, would cry out once and vanish. Swallowed up by my own need. Lost in the dark, open jaws of want. Jaws that never close. I would cry out once and vanish.
Hallowed is Your Name. Holy is the Name. Father. Holy is the Name: Father, dear Father – my Father, our Father. Father of Mercies.
Do You hear me now, Father, as I cannot cry out? As I cover my eyes and close my mouth? Hear me, Father, in my silent need. Hear me now. Show mercy on my silence.
Father of Mercies, Father of the Kingdom that comes. Kingdom of mercy. Mercy for the weak, mercy bidding strength and courage. Mercy that soothes and commands. Show me this mercy, Father. This kingdom.
The place, the hour, for which Abel’s blood once cried. For which David sang. For which the lips of Your prophets burned. The kingdom of mercy.
The kingdom You will, Father. On earth and in Heaven. May it come.
I would cry out for You and I would vanish. Once and vanish, Father. Unless You supply even the cry for me – the single shout. The one cry, the one cry that swallows all need. Cry of the Son on the cross. Lonely Son on the cross, crying out. Calling the kingdom to come. “Forgive them, Father.”
Forgive me, Father. I haven’t the courage. Unless You supply it. On earth and in Heaven.
Daily give the courage, daily bread. Give me this, my daily bread. To cry out to You just once. Give me one prayer. Your Son’s only prayer. The prayer for mercy. Single prayer – Father, our Father – for mercy. Your Son’s prayer.
Forgive me. Help me to forgive. As You forgive, so I.
Mercy, Father. Give me the courage for mercy. The light of mercy, where there can be no secrets. Harsh, forgiving light. Courageous light of mercy. The light of the Third Day.
Show me mercy, Father. Wake me to mercy. Open my eyes and hands to mercy. Dear Father, our Father. Show me mercy. The mercy that is too much for me.
Too much mercy. Much too much. May my whole life have been, may it become, mercy. Now and at the hour. Every hour. Now and every hour. Even unto my death.